Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Santa Rampage

This is what you need to know:
Meet-up at Cafe Hollander, 2608 N. Downer Ave. Milwaukee at 10 am on Dec. 15th 2007 for this years installment of Santa Rampage. If you are wondering "what is Santa Rampage?" perhaps this recap of last years event will help to:
1.) Answer what is he talking about.
2.) Get you off your lazy ass and into a Santa suit for a fun day of Santa debauchery.

"Went to the Brew City this weekend to ride in the Santa Rampage with Lord Hayden Claus and Miss Katie Claus. Let's just say, anyone who likes beer, bikes and buddies should put this one down on the calendar for next year. About 30 Santa's met at the Hollander Bar north of downtown Milwaukee. After some free beers were consumed and some photos were taken, DJ Nicolas fired up his BOB trailer with speakers and the squadron of Santa's headed off to the Hawaiian Holiday sounds of Bing Crosby. It was not unlike the scene in "Apocalypse Now" when the First Air Cav descends on that village to Wagner's Flight of the Valkries.

No one expects a squad of Santa's, and needless to say, no one fucks with a squad of Santa's, even in Milwaukee.

Anyhow, Ho's were dispensed, Nog was consumed, and consumers were rampaged. We took slight detour through the aisles of a local market, much to the horror of some shoppers, before getting some much needed libations at the Nomad. Santa's were treated to some Smithwick's and Pabst. A most beautiful velvet Elvis painting was beheld in all of its glory. (It must be noted, that for $5 you can have what is known as 'the treatment' at the Nomad. The treatment consits of a can of PBR, a shot of Jamesons and a cig.)

Off we went, spreading cheer, and sipping a flask. The streets were pretty deserted and spirits were pretty high. Kid's love a group of Santa's on bikes, and coincidentally, so do homeless dudes at bus stops, especially when they think Santa might give them booze. Downtown we took a hot lap through the mall, when Lord Hayden Claus heard the quote of the day; when some gangsta types yelled "Santa just rushed up in that motha fucka." We hit up a Mexican grocery store for tamales, before heading to Koz's for some mini bowling. Santa loves mini bowling, and he also loves PBR from the tap, especially if the tap is a small bowling pin. He loves PBR so much; all of the PBR at Koz's was consumed. Maybe it was the tamales, or perhaps the Hank Williams juke box tunes, either way we ran out of booze and had to move on. By then some of the soft core Santa's had moved on, but the rest of us proceeded to Ben's Bike Shoppe, for some Premium Sterling Beers, which taste better shot gunned. There was a Santa group piss behind the dumpster, and we were off in search of more beers. Our search did not take long, after all Milwaukee is America's most drunk City. We landed feet down at Mary's, for tiny bottles of High Life in buckets.

When our group had consumed enough, we split, bidding adieu to Sanchez Claus and Happy Jack, pointed our two wheel sleds SE towards Bay View and set off. Near our destination, Lord Hayden Claus, in a Metallica moment, swerved into me, and sent us both to the pavement. Though our bikes were fine, I ended up with a bloody meat puppet for a middle finger. Can't wait till next year!

Get Some!"

Decide to ride.

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